Embarrassingly, I think I’m someone who struggles with both ideas. How many meltdowns am I expected to accommodate before someone is not invited back to a social event? A work event? Because if a neurotypical yelled obscenities at me, it would be one and done, but I’m expected to forgive and forget when the person is autistic. How many times do you accommodate someone’s tardiness? I have ADHD, and I work really hard to be on time, but I’m late plenty. Sometimes for work. Often for social events. It’s not because i don’t care about other people’s time. I try really hard, I just fail a lot. Like who decides what’s reasonable?
Perhaps the question you should be asking is why are the meltdowns happening in the first place?
Accommodations aren’t about tolerating bad behaviour. They’re about changing the environment to be more friendly, and putting systems in place to help people manage things better.
Ooh that’s a good point! I hadn’t looked at it like that!
Of course the meltdown I’m thinking of is that his own toddler was trying to eat old food off the floor and I was preventing that and offering fresh food while babysitting for free for him.
He doesn’t have meltdowns so often now, but the only thing that changed is that he feels safe and comfortable around us. Ironically, his bad behavior is what made us uncomfortable around him which is what made him feel unsafe. So as it got better, it just got better and better.
Unfortunately for him, he was raised in an emotionally abusive home, so his regular bad behavior was learned and then when we reacted poorly to that it would lead to an actual meltdown. Consistent kind behavior and firm boundaries is what eventually led to a two way street respectful situation. A meltdown now would be much more accepted and understood but we had to go to group therapy to get here.
Oh god yes. Good friend of mine was dating someone with autism, and he was constantly asking me, “is neurodivergence just an excuse to be a dick to people?” Yeah sometimes it sure is, just a helpless excuse to act out your baser, ruder instincts. If you’re neurodivergent and not in therapy, you should be asking yourself regularly, would others around me benefit from my being in therapy? Because the answer is almost certainly yes.
That their neurodiversity absolves them of any responsibility and the rest of the world should cater to it.
This is true, but at the same time it does not mean that people shouldn’t be given reasonable accommodation for their particular needs.
Many people struggle to grasp that these two ideas can coexist.
Embarrassingly, I think I’m someone who struggles with both ideas. How many meltdowns am I expected to accommodate before someone is not invited back to a social event? A work event? Because if a neurotypical yelled obscenities at me, it would be one and done, but I’m expected to forgive and forget when the person is autistic. How many times do you accommodate someone’s tardiness? I have ADHD, and I work really hard to be on time, but I’m late plenty. Sometimes for work. Often for social events. It’s not because i don’t care about other people’s time. I try really hard, I just fail a lot. Like who decides what’s reasonable?
Perhaps the question you should be asking is why are the meltdowns happening in the first place?
Accommodations aren’t about tolerating bad behaviour. They’re about changing the environment to be more friendly, and putting systems in place to help people manage things better.
Ooh that’s a good point! I hadn’t looked at it like that!
Of course the meltdown I’m thinking of is that his own toddler was trying to eat old food off the floor and I was preventing that and offering fresh food while babysitting for free for him.
He doesn’t have meltdowns so often now, but the only thing that changed is that he feels safe and comfortable around us. Ironically, his bad behavior is what made us uncomfortable around him which is what made him feel unsafe. So as it got better, it just got better and better.
Unfortunately for him, he was raised in an emotionally abusive home, so his regular bad behavior was learned and then when we reacted poorly to that it would lead to an actual meltdown. Consistent kind behavior and firm boundaries is what eventually led to a two way street respectful situation. A meltdown now would be much more accepted and understood but we had to go to group therapy to get here.
Oh god yes. Good friend of mine was dating someone with autism, and he was constantly asking me, “is neurodivergence just an excuse to be a dick to people?” Yeah sometimes it sure is, just a helpless excuse to act out your baser, ruder instincts. If you’re neurodivergent and not in therapy, you should be asking yourself regularly, would others around me benefit from my being in therapy? Because the answer is almost certainly yes.
Absolutely fair, good answer!