I inherited my grandmother’s house. I’m a heterosexual bachelor, I don’t give a shit about decoration, so the automotive tools and 3D printing detritus, house cat, and electronics shit from about waist down are mine, the artwork and curtains and shit at chest level and above are still my grandmother’s.
Included in this is one of those “one large frame full of a bunch of individual family photos” things that ceased to be manufactured during Dubya’s first term. In it is a picture of a bunch of relatives of mine hanging out in a back yard, the last of whom died last month, a black and white photo of my father when he was 7, a dageurrotype of my great grandfather’s first wedding…
And a polaroid of me, age 2, scrote ass naked, riding Bradley. Who the fuck is Bradley. So, while I was a fetus, my family went to a state fair. My father decided to stop at the carnie section to play ring toss. My hilariously pregnant 5 foot tall mother wanted to play too. So Dad gave her a fistful of rings. And she got one. As my dad tells it, the second my mama cheered, that carnie took the rest of those rings from my father, chucked them in a different, empty basket presumably to inspect them to make sure they are in fact smaller than the neck of the bottles, and begrudgingly told her to pick out one of the hilariously huge stuffed animals on display, and she picked a life-size tiger. On the way back out of the fair, my family walked past a National guard exhibit, including several tanks and armored vehicles. My grandmother, the idiot that decided to carpet my bathroom, noticed the sign next to a particularly large tank-like machine said “Bradley Fighting Vehicle” and she said “Oh how cute, they named it.” And lo the 6 foot long polyester tiger was named Bradley.
Three years later, I got out of a bath tub, and before some toddler sized tighty-whiteys happened I mounted that very tiger like a horse, which amused my father enough to go get the family Instamatic. My grandmother ended up owning the resulting photograph, time makes corpses of us all, I inherited my grandmother’s estate to include a 37 year old picture of my own dick.
So when I build my drinks cabinet intended to go on that wall, and pull down that photo collage and give it to my parents, one of whom was the photographer of several of those family photos, am I going to be arrested for trafficking child porn?
on the flip side, theres the story of the man who, during the height of covid, had his child develop a bad rash in their diaper area
Doctors requested photos for diagnosis.
Google detected the photo, and called the police on him, calling him a child predator and CSAM producer.
Police said it was a innocent, medically necessary photo.
Doctor said it was an innocent, medically necessary photo.
Google said, no, fuck you, we don’t care what the authorities say, you are a child fucking pervert, and we can prove it, and then pointing to a video from 6 months earlier of the mother laying on bed, i think after a bath/shower, unclothed…with the baby on her chest.A completely harmless, beautiful mother/child moment… but google perved out on it so hard they said he and his wife were the pedophiles.
and proceeded to delete his phone number, emails, photos, and everything else he had tied to google.
Correct me if I’m wrong but the key to any good long text/speech is having as many interesting visual descriptions as possible. Emphasis on interesting.
See? Imagery. And also, buy a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of rye with the excuse of doing A-B comparisons of Old Fashioned cocktails, drink like 6 and come away with the opinion that your favorite between the two is Luxardo cherries.
Well, yeah. It starts with people sharing “just family photos,” and the monsters make it a cesspool.
So…
I inherited my grandmother’s house. I’m a heterosexual bachelor, I don’t give a shit about decoration, so the automotive tools and 3D printing detritus, house cat, and electronics shit from about waist down are mine, the artwork and curtains and shit at chest level and above are still my grandmother’s.
Included in this is one of those “one large frame full of a bunch of individual family photos” things that ceased to be manufactured during Dubya’s first term. In it is a picture of a bunch of relatives of mine hanging out in a back yard, the last of whom died last month, a black and white photo of my father when he was 7, a dageurrotype of my great grandfather’s first wedding…
And a polaroid of me, age 2, scrote ass naked, riding Bradley. Who the fuck is Bradley. So, while I was a fetus, my family went to a state fair. My father decided to stop at the carnie section to play ring toss. My hilariously pregnant 5 foot tall mother wanted to play too. So Dad gave her a fistful of rings. And she got one. As my dad tells it, the second my mama cheered, that carnie took the rest of those rings from my father, chucked them in a different, empty basket presumably to inspect them to make sure they are in fact smaller than the neck of the bottles, and begrudgingly told her to pick out one of the hilariously huge stuffed animals on display, and she picked a life-size tiger. On the way back out of the fair, my family walked past a National guard exhibit, including several tanks and armored vehicles. My grandmother, the idiot that decided to carpet my bathroom, noticed the sign next to a particularly large tank-like machine said “Bradley Fighting Vehicle” and she said “Oh how cute, they named it.” And lo the 6 foot long polyester tiger was named Bradley.
Three years later, I got out of a bath tub, and before some toddler sized tighty-whiteys happened I mounted that very tiger like a horse, which amused my father enough to go get the family Instamatic. My grandmother ended up owning the resulting photograph, time makes corpses of us all, I inherited my grandmother’s estate to include a 37 year old picture of my own dick.
So when I build my drinks cabinet intended to go on that wall, and pull down that photo collage and give it to my parents, one of whom was the photographer of several of those family photos, am I going to be arrested for trafficking child porn?
Probably, in Trump’s America.
I’ll admit at first I thought Bradley was gonna be the carnie. Relieved.
You write well. Also, is it illegal to possess a naked picture of oneself as a child?
I guess it’s about the risk of someone viewing it sexually.
No, naked photographs of children are not illegal in that context
Heard of a guy with pictures of his kid in the bath. Police investigated and once they realised it was his own kid, no further action.
Might vary based on where you live of course.
Legality depends on intent.
Yes, I did say in that context - where there isn’t any harmful intent.
on the flip side, theres the story of the man who, during the height of covid, had his child develop a bad rash in their diaper area
Doctors requested photos for diagnosis.
Google detected the photo, and called the police on him, calling him a child predator and CSAM producer.
Police said it was a innocent, medically necessary photo.
Doctor said it was an innocent, medically necessary photo.
Google said, no, fuck you, we don’t care what the authorities say, you are a child fucking pervert, and we can prove it, and then pointing to a video from 6 months earlier of the mother laying on bed, i think after a bath/shower, unclothed…with the baby on her chest.A completely harmless, beautiful mother/child moment… but google perved out on it so hard they said he and his wife were the pedophiles.
and proceeded to delete his phone number, emails, photos, and everything else he had tied to google.
So it wasn’t illegal. Along with a holy fucking shit load of reasons to never touch google products.
The key to a good stand-up routine? Imagery. And crowd-work.
Correct me if I’m wrong but the key to any good long text/speech is having as many interesting visual descriptions as possible. Emphasis on interesting.
See? Imagery. And also, buy a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of rye with the excuse of doing A-B comparisons of Old Fashioned cocktails, drink like 6 and come away with the opinion that your favorite between the two is Luxardo cherries.